have you ever been in one of those moods where you just want to grab everything and rip it from the walls and break everything because you feel broken and you want to scream and kick and cry because nothing feels right and it’s all wrong and you don’t feel right and i don’t know anymore.
I crave touch, yet I flinch every time someone is close enough.
So I got up this morning, early, to go for a 2mi walk (-253). When I came home, I got right in the shower and spent the next 45 mins getting ready. While I was waiting to leave for the day I got hungry. I decided to eat something since I know my mom and I would be out. If we’re out, she’ll try to feed me. If she sees I ate, she’ll accept me not eating and I won’t be tempted. Win, win. I made oatmeal and added vanilla extract, cinnamon and blueberries. I calculated my intake (106) and almost cried. I ate 100 cals for breakfast! In the non ED world, that’s good, even a low. But for my ED brain, that’s out of control. Which for me is good. I want my brain back the way it was. For so long, I turned to food as a comfort. After gaining 30 lbs in 1 year, I’m finally coming home and making up with Ana. She’s going to be my beat friend again!